Saturday, April 5, 2008

A frail blossom among the ashes

Well I noticed Blogspot is unblocked again, so I figured I'd jump back on the bronco and ride it until it bucks me off again (holy homoerotic innuendo Batman!).

It's been an interesting winter for everyone. I suppose the biggest post-snowstorm news is that Megan and I are no longer together. Our relationship lasted for almost two years, and we are still friends, but we both realized that things weren't the same with us and it would be better to go apart than to try and make it work. There wasn't any big fight, no anger or bitterness; just a realization that things had run its course. I suppose I initiated it- honestly, I wasn't feeling satisfied with our relationship. The physical and spiritual elements were satisfying but I felt something was missing. I realized that it was a cultural difference in the way we both perceived a healthy relationship.

For Chinese girls, especially those from rural areas or small cities, the ideal mate is a strong, competent, well-respected man that can take care of her and provide her with a stable future. In return, she gives him her body, her affection, and her loyalty, and this is their definition of true love. Of course it's easy for a man, especially a prosperous foreigner, to take advantage of girls in this way but that's beside the point. As far as these things went, this is what I was for Megan and she was completely happy with us. I, on the other hand, was becoming tired of a relationship where I was more of a father figure than a partner. I didn't want to care for somebody as much as I wanted to share life with somebody. When I expressed this to her, it really shook her belief in our love, and even though I wanted to still give us a try, I was just wanting to spare her feeling since I knew it would end sooner or later. Fortunately, she took the initiative and suggested that we break, and even though it hurt both of us, we knew this was best.

Of course, with endings come beginnings, and the future is wide open for both of us. It can be a bit jarring to be suddenly adrift after being tethered to someone for two years, but it's freeing and exciting in a way. I can go wherever I want, do whatever I want, and have only myself to look out for. This was a big reason why I came to China in the first place and now I'm more free to explore the possibilities. That's not to say I'm not still saddened sometimes. I got some ink on my upper right forearm to memorialize our relationship. I had always told Megan that if we ever got married, I would inscribe her Chinese name in that place on my arm, but now that that's not going to happen, I decided to cover it so that no girl could ever have that spot. I got a tribal scorpion inside of a sun, since my zodiac sign is Scorpio and I like what the scorpion represents in various cultures. Of course there's some room on my lower arm but that place will always belong to Megan. I'll put up some pictures once it heals (how metaphorical).

I'm looking to change locations for next school year. I had originally planned to teach around the Shanghai area to be close to Megan since that was where she was working, but this had not been my ideal preference. I had always loved Fujian province so now I'm pursuing my Chinese-life-long dream of living by the ocean. Any homies from Zhangzhou? It's looking pretty promising. Holla if you hear me.

So onward and upward to new things. It's kinda nice being single again, and I'm sure I'll find someone that captures my heart again. This is China, after all :-). I find Chinese girls more physically attractive than Western girls, and hot bodies and cute faces are a dime a dozen here, but the trick is finding someone whose personality and spirit captivates me as much as her figure does. One good thing about being near the ocean is you get a pretty good look at captivating figures :-P. Till then, I'm just doin' my thing, rockin' the block, making people smile. Tomorrow the sun will rise...who knows what the tide will bring?

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